Globetrotting duo EastEnd Cabaret have temporarily come south for the Autumn as they bring their hit Edinburgh Fringe show Sexual Tension to the Soho Theatre. From tomorrow night, Bernadette Byrne and her half-man, half-woman, all-deviant partner Victor/Victoria are making an 11-night run there before jetting off for the sunnier clime of their native Australia via a pitstop in Brighton on 23 October.
Bernadette and Victy are nothing if not generous so, while they are taking in the rays Down Under, they have some hot tips for fans wanting to stay warm in the British climate.
Leave the country
This is our main way to combat the London winter – go to Australia, get out the half-bikini-half-boardshort combo, sit on the beach, and send lots of selfies to your frost-bitten friends back home.
Gin is (of course) the answer to all of life’s problems, and it does do a wonderful job of keeping you warm when it’s chilly out. Sloe gin in a hip flask is a personal favourite.
Travelling on the tube in peak hour
If you just can’t shake that winter chill, head underground at 5pm and cram yourself into a carriage full of commuters. When you are sandwiched between the backs, boobs and armpits of strangers, you will realise why body heat ensures this is indeed one of the warmest places in London.
Other people in general, really
Find a willing partner (or partners) that are happy to have you use their body (bodies) as personal hot-water-bottles. Again, preferably nude. The more people, the quicker you warm up. It’s science, really.
If you don’t have access to one, make one in your house. Just turn the heating up all the way, shut all the doors and windows and walk around in towels.
Collect your nearest and dearest cabaret cohorts, find a corner of a bar, and let the ancient Chinese battle commence. The inevitable insults and foul language as your foes are defeated in this wonderful game will definitely make you feel warm inside, if not outside as well.
This is when our collection comes in handy. Group all of your stuffed friends together and make a sweet, furry fort out of them all. There is nothing like sleeping under the belly of a stuffed yak, flanked by two foxes and a herd of hilariously-posed squirrels to keep temperatures toasty.
When it’s incredibly cold at night and the gin-jacket is wearing off, it’s time to find the sweet, meaty warmth that only the finest East London kebab house can provide. If your hands are cold, buy two, eat the filling and make yourself some pitta gloves.
Half poncho, half blanket. Get inside one, preferably nude and with a few good friends and the result is heavenly heat.
Nothing heats you up more in the cold of winter then the adrenaline you get from practising the art of self love in a public place. The thrill of being caught will give you a rush so powerful you will not even feel the cold, even as you stand frantically masturbating in a snow-covered bush by an icy pond.
Talking of dangerwanks, here are Victy and la Byrne expounding on discreet ways to twirl the pearl.
Image: Ayesha Hussain