Regrets we have a few but snogging Tracey Wilson behind the bike sheds is not among them. We only wish we had met her at school and not all those years after. If there is something we wished we could have done while we had the chance, it would have been to find out more about some of our favourite people while their bucket remained unkicked.
To that end, we’ll be somewhere down the front of the St James Theatre scrum on 12 September for Lenny Beige’s last show of the year. This time around he’s getting personal. Between songs, jokes and monologues from the Talk of London days, Lenny Beige will be openly inviting questions from the floor. It’ll be like “An Audience With…” but without intermittent ads for sofas and cat food. Only a couple of topics are currently verboten, namely the shady areas of politics and Yewtree. Everything else, though, is on the table so start composing those posers now, people.
Before the hoi polloi get their chance to quiz Lenny Beige, we thought we would sling a few of our own queries his way. No prizes for spotting the theme.
Who would never be invited to one of your gigs?
Oh, now where does one start? Actually I know exactly where I’d start: Eamonn Holmes. The last thing I need is seeing his puffed up sweaty face leering out of the audience at me. And Jan Leeming too, but for reasons I can’t go into here.
Which animal would you never have as a pet?
Reptiles. Cold blooded, dead eyes, scaly skin, much like the ex.
Where would you never go to?
I can never go back to the southernmost island in the Phillipines despite having my face on the currency. Its a long story but at my time of life you just don’t take the risk.
What food would you never eat?
They say some don’t eat anything with a face, well I think the same about the arsehole. Never eat anything with an arsehole (at least one that I can see).
What is one pleasurable activity you would never give up?
Masturbation. As the great Woody Allen said “its sex with someone I love”.
Lenny Beige will be appearing at St James Theatre on 12 September. More information can be found here.
Image credit: Mel Bagshaw