Well, bugger me readers.

Have 12 months really passed since last year’s birth of the London Cabaret Awards? Where has all the time gone? It doesn’t feel like five minutes since we were knocking back free sparkling wine (I’m reluctant to call it champagne) at a rate of knots on a barge in the middle of a building site no that bugger could find. What fun we had!

This year sees the awards take shelter in one of my personal favourite stomping grounds (because it’s one of the few venues that will serve me a snakebite) The Royal Vauxhall Tavern! Hosted by The Divine Miss Em with performances from La Poule Plombée, Alp Haydar and The Folly Mixtures, the London Cabaret Awards will see a collection (which is by no means definitive) of London’s finest cabaret performers all drunk under one roof for one evening. Tickets are available to the public. Let’s hope another helicopter doesn’t fall on Vauxhall; this website would have nothing left to write about!

This morning I received an email from the troubled producer of the London Cabaret Awards, Paul L Martin. I’ve done my best and the results are below.


Troubled awards producer Paul L Martin

Troubled awards producer Paul L Martin

Dear Auntie Myra,

I need your help – I am the founder and producer of the London Cabaret Awards, and I keep being poked in the butchers by burlesque dancers who haven’t been nominated for anything. I keep telling them I’m not anything to do with the judging process but they continue to flap their feather boas in the direction of my pork loin.

I have considered using Ocado to counteract this problem but I’m allergic to the fabric conditioner our delivery man insists on using. Please, Myra, tell me what to do – I only set up these awards because no other bugger was going to, and now I’m beginning to see why!

Kind Regards,

Paul L “The Body” McMartin

Hi Paul,

Awards are a problematic thing aren’t they? They’re famed for ignoring as much talent as they celebrate, planting seeds of conflict that sprout into vicious and bitter rivalries between otherwise harmonious colleagues. But, speaking as a twice short-listed artiste (in the category of “Best Woman”, thank you for asking), I personally think they’re great. They’re highlighting the exact talents that they ought to and long may it continue.

As the founder of such an institution, though, I can imagine the metaphorical faeces you must get dumped on your door step in a flaming paper bag of criticism. I’m here for you Paul. You were right to reach out to me.

The thing to remember with burlesque dancers is that they’re very sensitive creatures. This is evident in their description of preference, to wit ‘burlesque dancer’.

Don’t fight them. Let them all have their moment in the sun. Create a “Best Stripper” category next year and sling them all in that. They’ll all squeal with delight at their nominations and we can all go back to calling a spade a spade.

As for the Ocado thing, I’m afraid I haven’t got a clue what you’re talking about. My suspicions are that here you’re speaking in ‘Middle Class’. I wish you the best in everything anyway.

Lots of love, luck and light,

Myra DuBois

PS: On the news that you have nothing to do with the judging process, I’d like my bottle of vintage single malt back. And the flowers. And the cash. Thanks.

Myra somehow sneaked onto the shortlist but who and what missed out in this year’s London Cabaret Awards? Read all about it here.