it's not what you've got, it's what you do with it. Apparently.

it’s not what you’ve got, it’s what you do with it. Apparently.

If Peter Piper wasn’t pre-occupied picking a peck of pickled peppers, would he have produced this perfectly priapic pricing policy?

Those at tonight’s Big Small Penis Party at East London’s Rhythm Factory won’t be paying through the nose but by the schlong. The comedy and cabaret event calls itself “the first ever conference for the celebration and acceptance of small penises everywhere”. This might not strictly be true – sports car exhibitions may have a competing claim – but we applaud the endeavour nonetheless.

Party producer and poet Antony Smith is also the founder of the Small Penis Support Group. As he says, there is a serious side to tonight’s goings-on: “I think penis size is something that every man wonders about and deals with. At least most do. There’ll be performances, poetry, activities, and it’s all to help bring men — and women — together to say that penis worries are not a physical issue, but a mental one.”

If you’re looking to get in, you may have to put your hands in your pockets before gaining entry – and not just to fetch change or a wallet. Male punters are being asked to pay “50p per claimed phallic inch” while women will be charged “50p per preferred phallic inch”. There are no indications whether the measurements apply only to flaccid penises or whether inflation will be taken into account. Assuming the latter, guys will be forking out around £3 on average.

This policy might be a poke in the eye for well-endowed men or demanding women and we would understand if they felt penalised. The event is being filmed for a forthcoming documentary with guests being asked to sign a release form if they wish to be identifiable in the end result.

Doors open at 7 but, for once, there may be no disapproving looks if you come early.

The Big Small Penis Party is tonight at the Rhythm Factory from 7pm.