Whether you’re posh or poor, there’s something special for you this week.

See Alp Haydar this week on Thursday or Friday.

See Alp Haydar this week on Thursday or Friday.


Alp Haydar’s Final Asylum Seekers

Timed to perfection to chime with David Cameron’s latest attempt to shift the political focus onto migrants, Alp Haydar’s brilliantly bizarre talent show brings together three more performers looking to stay in Blighty rather than be thrown overboard the Battersea Barge. Haydar will be joined by celebrity hair-stylist Dexter Clark, exotic performance artiste Alicia Maria and resident arts historian Jon Sharples. The twist this month? Haydar will be playing all three performers himself. Look and learn, Eddie Murphy: this is how its done.
28 March. Battersea Barge, London SW8 5BP. £7 on the door. 6:30pm
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The burlesque fan’s version of The Vagina Monologues returns to the Shadow Lounge. Burlexe’s three-woman cast of Kele Le Roc, Jo King and Chloe Ewart are joined this Wednesday by guest performer Kiki Kaboom. If you didn’t win a ticket in last week’s competition, they can still be bought online.
27 March. Shadow Lounge, London W1F 0RF. £20-25. 6:30pm
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Mat Ricardo’s London Varieties

Despite having moved to bigger premises since last year’s successful run, Mat Ricardo has kept his winning formula intact. The second of his monthly shows at the Leicester Square Theatre sees The West End headliner Boy With Tape On His Face perform alongside Pete Wardell and Elliot Mason before Ricardo sits down for a chat with comedian and radio host Al Murray.
28 March. Leicester Square Theatre, WC2H 7BX. £15 (£12.50 concessions). 9:30pm
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The Late Night Shop Presents…Welcome to the Family

Another dark chapter in the all-female quartet’s rise to fame sees The Late Night Shop take over the Resistance Gallery for an evening of decidedly unfamily friendly entertainment. Charlie Buckitt, Dott Cott, Allota Bounce and Apple Tart welcome Ophelia Bitz as MC and an extensive bill featuring award-winning burlesquers Laurie Hagen and Anna The Hulagan. The ticket price includes a “hand written certificate of Lineage, free polo mint and complimentary initiation ceremony conducted at 1.50am 29th March for all those still alive”.
28 March. Resistance Gallery, London, E2 9RF. £5 on the door. 8pm
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The Fainting Couch

Jeeves, get the driver to pull the car around the front. We’re off to the Barbican’s DAB to see some jolly burlesque dancing, opera singing and poetry reciting at the Barbican. One hears that Abigail Collins, Betsy Rose and Annette Betté Kellow may there (amongst others) all held together by sultry singer Elsie Diamond. And there’s even DJs after so one can get down and dirty with tunes from the Twenties onwards. Yes, Jeeves, now.
28 March. DAB, London EC1A 9PN £10 (£12.50 on the door). 7:30pm
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Rubyyy Jones’ Asian Invasion

Joining Haydar’s anti-anti-immigration stance is Rubyyy Jones who stages an Asian Invasion this Friday at the Worlds End pub in Finsbury Park. Haydar will be there with his trademark japery as will pint-sized powerhouse Fancy Chance, the bendy Lucky Franco, circus artiste Oshri Con and Norfolk supermodel Miss Cairo. Best of all, the tax on the door depends on the depth of your pockets.
29 March. Worlds End, London N4 3EF. Pay What You Can. 8pm
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